Nails

For some reason, every time I give myself a TMNT manicure, I feel just a little bit special. Maybe it's because my hands represent the power of ninjas, maybe it's the turtles, maybe because it's proof that I spent my Sunday night doing something other than math homework. Whatever it is, it usually works.
But like everything else this semester, things deviated from the norm today.

It's not that it was a particularly shitty day or anything, but sometimes I feel that even those days are better than these. There was no substance.

I achieved nothing, I learned nothing, and I didn't have a real conversation with anyone. Were this my last day on Earth, I would cry. Not because my life was ending, but because it would be so damn anticlimactic. Who wants their last waking moments to be spent filled with normalcy?

On a shitty day, I want to be rid of life, for it to be my last. On a good day, I wouldn't mind ending on that good note. But on a stupid, senseless, ordinary day? I feel like a waste of space, contributing nothing and not even giving someone else the satisfaction of helping me. My existence seems pointless and disgusting on days like this, making me wonder why I pull myself toward the future when I can't even tug on the reins of my present.

And I'll probably do some homework today, probably won't have any more meaningful conversations, and highly doubt that I'll find a cure for cancer.

I figured if I kept busy, I'd never have time to feel these things anymore, but I was wrong I guess. It's not the isolation, it's the existence. Case in point:
I don't even care that I'm going to be single on Valentine's day. Seriously, I'm not even worried about it. Normally I feel a little ashamed and envy all the couples in love, but this year I don't have time for that shit. What exactly is the fucking point of Valentine's day anyway? TO LOVE, so I'll fucking love myself. I'll sit at home, watch the new episode of Community with some ice cream and vodka and my math homework, and I'll enjoy it dammit because I have no reason not to.

I certainly won't allow myself to waste the day away like I did today. Valentine's day will not be shitty, in fact I can see myself reveling in how wonderful it will be to think about every other person out there who is tied down to some other fool.

Yeah, I have commitment issues. Colleges look for continuity in extracurriculars, but they sure as hell won't find that in me. I jump from club to club, activity hopping, and maybe they should see that on my college app. The reason I won't get into an Ivy League is because I genuinely am not up to par with those people, and maybe that's a good thing! Why go for a goal that I'm ultimately not cut out for? A place where the stress level is 10x that of high school? Wasting away another four years reaching for the unattainable perfect score?

NAH, I'm done with that shit. I think colleges will understand my non-committal nature and I'll find the one that's the perfect fit for me. In fact, maybe one of my essays will be about my Valentine's day plans. Just an entire fucking essay on how being alone on couple's day was enlightening and precious because I wasn't committed to stick my tongue down someone's throat.

They'd like that.

Because roving generally keeps me out of the awful rut of days like today, and that's why it's okay. It's okay that I can't commit. In the end, everyday will be alright to be my last, because it was different than the ones before it. It doesn't have to be extraordinary, it just has to have substance.

And I think that substance comes from my dappling.
And I think that's why it's okay for me to change the color of my nails again.
It might make tomorrow more interesting.


Mona