Anyway, I was in the shower today when I realized something: goddammit, I'm losing a lot of hair! Maybe it's stress or maybe it's because I'm actually a 40 year old man who's balding, but this is a serious issue for me. If there's one feature about myself that I've always appreciated, it's my hair (and my eyebrows, which are also hair). Lately, I haven't been feeling it though. Which is really confusing me.
Yeah, confusion. Can I just say that it's worst emotion ever? With sadness or anger or guilt or whatever, at least you know what's going on, right? But I'm just standing there, in the shower, confused as to why it's summer and I'm still so stressed out that my hair is abandoning ship.
Okay that's partly a lie. I have some good hunches as to why I'm a little frazzled lately.
1) NHS. Just seeing the name makes me gag. I feel like freaking Superman couldn't meet all those requirements. It seems more like a competition than it should.
2) Summer AP work. Yeah I've started it. But there's a butt load to do, I mean 4 darned classes! And if this is just the summer work, lord only knows how difficult the school year will be.
3) Money. Honey, it's not just funny in a rich man's world. I've got to get a really good paying job, stat. The little bit of reserves I have now are just barely covering the gas bill, and I've already knocked down cable a lot. Also, how the actual fuck am I paying for college?
4) SAT/ACTs. Really, college board? Really? When did this bright idea hit you? It's like on top of everything else that I have to worry about, I've got these 2 damn tests shoved up my ass. Thank you so much for considering my mind and well-being when making these decisions.
These are my solid theories, and people will probably say, "Gee, you have a plateful of common teen problems? Grow a pair and get over it." Which is true, and I'm really working on that. I don't want to seem whiny when everyone else has issues too.
However, those aren't the confusing parts. The confusing parts are everything else. Friends. Boys. LIFE.
Especially boys. I don't even know what I want anymore.
And then this new quote I read that really struck me for some reason:
Whoever guaranteed there's going to be a tomorrow?
I just sat there like Holy Bananas, I've heard YOLO and carpe diem and "live everyday like it's your last" probably 609274965 times combined. But they've never affected me like this. I don't have the mentality of immortality anymore that Nesci always talked about.
Shit bro, I could die any minute of any day for any reason. And I'm sitting here complaining about the college board?
The problem is, I don't know what I'd be doing if I wasn't working on school or my future. I have no idea what would magically make each day okay to be my last. Which is confusing! Should I keep doing what I'm doing, or embrace my mortality and do whatever the hell I want? Or is there a happy middle? < WHY CAN'T I FIND A HAPPY MIDDLE?
I bet it's the solution to my hair problem too. (42?)
All this went down in my 15 minute shower. Yeah. The power of the water, eh?
Mona
P.S. Sorry for this novel, I just had a lot of get out of my system.
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