Firsts

I think as we grow up, we start to run out of firsts, things that we've just absolutely never done before. That being said, I bought my first pair of yoga pants today!

I know. 

I KNOW.

It's like someone captured heaven and weaved it into pure perfection, and then stitched it with exact elasticity and comfort. I could write odes, nay NOVELS, of the exquisite creation that are yoga pants. 

They're comfortable, efficient, aesthetic, and... 

Goshdarnit they make my ass look great!

Another first today is that I went out running past 10, which I never did because of bugs, darkness, rapists, yada yada. For some reason I guess the yoga pants made me feel brave today? Regardless, I set out for an adventure and found the experience to be very calming and enlightening. No one can see me when it's dark! 

So I captured the freedom and kept going for about 45 minutes before I heard a weird cannon-boom-ish sound and got scared and turned around. Don't judge. 

Okay, so I realize that I have a lot of firsts left in my life, A LOT. But lately everything's moving so fast and I never get to do all those things that I keep telling myself to do, e.g. eat a deep fried twinkie. It's as if anything I truly achieve, an actual accomplishment, is always overshadowed by my friends. Every single one of my friends is incredible at something, something they call their own, whether it's a bassoon or a marimba or baking. 

I wish I had a "thing."

My parents know it, too. I think they wish I had thing just as much as I do. 

And that's the worst. Because they'll never pressure me to do anything more than my very best, but I'll always know deep down that I'm not doing everything they'd hoped I would. That I won't be making them proud. 

Is it really shallow and superficial of me to replace all these feelings with little things and "firsts?" I know that as a result of this insecurity, I can come off a little boastful sometimes, because I'm basically trying to convince myself that I'm worth something. It's terrible though because then people just get annoyed and think I'm conceited or full of myself. Totally untrue. I'm working on that though, on being more reserved. In fact, I'm trying this new thing where I don't bring up myself or my experiences or anything that has to do with me until I'm directly asked. Problem solved? 

Okay, not solved. Just put to rest for a bit. I'm sure the shortcoming will fix itself in time though. 

Here's to hoping. 

Mona