Speaking Up

It seems I am just posting ridiculously today. Oh well. I finally have things to say.

So this morning, my little brother was watching a fantastic children's show called Super Why, that I watch with him on occasion because it's just that fantastic. Today was one such occasion.
It has a very innovative concept that teaches kids to read while also trying to incorporate morals and such. The "super readers" look for answers to their problems by reading books and stories where characters have a similar issue. It's a great way to get kids to dig deeper into their readings, eh?

The story they read this fine morning was The Emperor's New Clothes, a personal favorite of mine. Of course, in order to make it TV friendly, they added a slight twist at the end where the Emperor tells his tailor that he will absolutely not walk around in invisible clothing. Then the super readers walk out of the book and realize the answer to their problem is that they need to Speak up!

I did not realize how much this would apply to me today.

Now. We all know that I have this incredibly close friend who is wonderful and charming and beautiful and I hope she never reads this blog because she would punch me in the face painfully hard.
I absolutely love her and would bleed for that girl, but sometimes she really gets on my nerves. For someone who considers herself a good judge of character, she really doesn't pick up on the subtleties of the people around her very well. (Note: I've posted about this at length in "Discretion.")

I wasn't even in a bad mood today. I was actually having kind of a great day, to be honest. (Watched 2 of my favorite episodes of Community. That show. Is life. LIFE I TELL YOU.)

But of course, she had things to share. And I think she was on a superiority high today from marching band practice and being an upperclassman in guard and all that jazz.
She proceeded to tell me three things that basically made my self esteem plummet. They should have brought down my self esteem more than they did actually because I recently accepted that I'm not a man-magnet like her. ALAS, even in scorn I love her and couldn't do that to her. Plus they would take me a year to write out. Got shit to do people. (Lies, I have nothing to do.)

This brings me back to Super Why. I should have spoken up! 
It's really sad, actually. I'm too much of a coward.
I'd rather sit here and take it than ruin the way things are. I'm scared. I don't want people to know that I think that the majority of them are better than me. If that makes sense.
I can't believe that a kid's TV show is teaching my little brother to fight his own battles, and I can't even use them properly in my life.
I know I should speak up. I try. I've been trying. I don't let people walk all over me anymore! For the past year, I've been putting up a more aggressive front.
But to quote Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, "It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends."

I think my goal for before summer ends is to tell her how she's been making me feel lately. I know it's not intentional, but friends shouldn't be bringing down each even unintentionally.
I want to hear her stories and be part of her life, I just wish she could tell them in a manner better suited to me? I don't know, the more I think about it, the more I realize the fault is mine. She can't know how she's making me feel and as my friend, she should be allowed to share anything with me openly and without judgement. And technically, I don't judge her. At all. I judge myself.

Okay, so two new goals for before the summer ends: speak up and tell her how I've been feeling, and work on bringing up my self esteem.
I know I'm the bee's knees! Now I just have to believe it.


Mona