The Beckmans

Yes, I am devoting this blogpost title to the wonderful family of Paulito because they are quite the crowd. Anyhow, the better part of my day was spent with them, so why the hell not right?

My interview at the Art Institute went fine. I'm not even sure I know what I'm doing anymore. When did everyone become so damn qualified? What the actual fuck is this? I don't know if I'll make it, but I don't think I care. The goal is to be happy, and I tried, and if I'm not good enough, FUCK IT because there's nothing I can do. I gave it my all and its a competitive field and the important thing is I'm trying. Hopefully the people there can see that.

Now that it's out of the way I can move onto the "fun" stuff: Inuksuit.
Um. Not gonna lie.
It was awesome. Like, fucking fantastic. I'm so glad I stayed back for it and didn't totally ditch (because I have a week's worth of homework piled up, oops what, I do?)

Yeah it rained like someone was trying to put out Hell's fire, but man was it cool. The percussionists never broke character, kept straight faces, and trudged on through the composition. It would have been hard enough to play and keep track of entrances without the added sound of a downpour, but everyone did excellently.

The greatest part, I would say, was spending time with the Beckmans. They're such a cool bunch, so devoted and kind. I love Paulito's mom. We spent the whole time talking and I got to know her so well! Not as much with his dad or his sister, but there was definitely some bonding time with the whole family, and his cousin Aleda (sp?)
I walked around the Great Lawn with them during the performance, and before it even started, Paul's dad bought me some coffee! I felt like part of the family :D (not. they're all blond. but still)
I stayed throughout the performance even though I didn't originally plan on it, but it was totally worth it. My clothes were soaked through and poor P-ito's drums :/ He was so devastated that his dad didn't give him the waterproof tarp, even kind of angry I'd say. It's understandable though because his drum heads had to bear the brunt of some of the heaviest rain I've even seen/been in. Poor Paul.

And now I'm back home and I'm STRESSING THE FUCK OUT.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. WHAT THE FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS.
EVERY SINGLE FIELD I WANT TO ENTER IS COMPETITIVE AND I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH SO WHAT AM I DOING.

I'm not Paul or Jianna or Eda or Grant or Sebastian. They will all become something. They're good at what they love. I'm not good at anything. Like seriously though.

I also hope the Beckmans weren't totally put off by my being there today. It didn't seem like they were, but I still don't like intruding, ya know?

I think I'm old enough now that I can see the hypocrisy of the world. Sure, I'm only 16 not-even, and people will scoff if I tell them that I've experienced some of life. But hey, life is individual and how dare anyone judge me for feeling the way I do? No.
I can make sensible decisions. I have seen more during my years than some have their whole life, and that counts for something. I could drop out of high school today and make a life for myself. That means something doesn't it? It's a skill, street smarts. I have that over even the most intelligent student because I am resilient. I will bounce the fuck back dammit.

And that's what's important, because someday I might wait tables and people will tell me I have a good-for-nothing major, and they'll make lots of money and I'll go home and soak my feet while I listen to smooth jazz. We'll both be happy and content.
So screw "following your dreams." Just dream them, live them in your heart, and that's really good enough. True happiness can only be understood if one understands true failure. So bring on the goddamn failures, because I want to enjoy my life and see every moment for what it's worth. I want things to be vivid, and I don't think that's too much to ask.


Mona

P.S. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being cynical which is okay. I'm being real and honest with myself so that the future doesn't hurt as much, because it's pretty much guaranteed that the future will hurt. Like a fork through the heart.