Namely, my love life. Where has it gone? I thought I used to have one, but now I feel as though it's not even possible for me to think about that. I don't even know what I'm doing. I keep trying to find some male to substitute into the equation, perhaps trick myself into some kind of infatuation. I think I just come off stupid and creepy and I tell everyone I know so they can get excited about it and make me feel like something's happening. Nothing's happening.
Sean VD? I can't even believe myself. Not that he isn't a totally awesome dude, but I never see him! Ever! There's no possibility there.
Gert? Yeah right. I don't even like Gert that way. Sure, he's attractive and tall and has clear skin, but he's just so...not like me. He drinks and parties and hangs out with the popular crowd; I don't want to get involved in that. I like having clean fun with my friends and I like dating people who are like me.
Birdman? This one's legit, except L. If he used to date L...I can't compete. Plus, he's so quiet and reserved that I doubt he'll ever say anything. Even if I basically flirt with him all 50 minutes of class. He should have picked on it by now and the fact that he hasn't makes me mad.
the Saint? He's cray. I don't want in on that, at least not publicly. Privately, sure why the hell not. I can't see the harm in being secretive. But the moment anything would get out, life goes down the drain. And even so, I have nothing concrete to go off of here, no proof that he even thinks anything? I don't know why I even included him in this list, I guess just the dynamic of our relationship simultaneously amuses and confuses me.
So back to square one: me trying and failing. And all around me people are getting together or in a long term relationship. Me and D are the only ones left here, and I'm getting antsy. I don't want to go to homecoming alone, and as much as I love R, I really want someone who likes me to ask me. Sometimes I really want to know who likes me. Isn't there anyone out there who does? Why won't they come tell me if they do? I would be so incredibly flattered and it would just be so wonderful to know information like that. Ugh.
Another nonexistent thing: my intelligence! I'm an idiot. It's settled. School is getting really hard, especially chemistry and U.S. history. I'm the only one asking questions in chem and everyone looks at me like I'm slowing them down or something. When did this become a fucking race? I just want to take a science class that I enjoy with a teacher I like and learn something, goddammit!
Sames with USH, I like Eby a lot and the material seems fantastic, but everyone is so damn smart. Okay, not everyone. But I'm not gonna compare myself to Julia Frankel.
Basically, I feel dumb and worthless in school, and in band too because I'm in pit and I feel like the rest of the band never takes us seriously. Then there's the whole love life issue. Essentially, my self esteem is about to hit a low pretty soon. Probably next week when Mother Nature stops by. Can't wait.
Mona
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