Post Script

I figured out why it means something: because I care. 

Oh and it's terrible and wonderful that I do.

I care about my grades. I enjoy learning, I enjoy reading, I love gaining knowledge and then being able to use it. What is school, if not a measure of how much I've learned? No, it doesn't measure my worth or my character or where my life will be in 10 years, but who knows if I'll still be around 10 years from now?

It's insignificant. 

I know I'll get into a good college no matter what, so clearly that's not why I try hard in school.

I do it for myself.  

And no one else.

And I should really apply that to the rest of my life. I hate depending on others for anything at all. Self sufficiency is so damn important to me; I just want to make it in the world. I want to respect myself. 

So fuck precalculus. When the fuck will I ever need that stuff?

"Oh yeah, go curate that museum, but don't forget that our curatorial staff is employed on a fucking logarithmic function, so you have to graph out their fucking hours by hand because you work at a prestigious art museum that doesn't have a fucking computer." 

Am I really going to fail math, life, my parents expectations, because I can't graph a fucking logarithmic function? 

Perhaps.

But if the only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, then I'm not sure it makes a difference if I fail all those things. Because I need to stop basing my self esteem upon what others think of me and do what I feel is right, what I feel is necessary to make myself happy and free.

No, I won't go out of control and lead some kind of Dorian Gray hedonistic lifestyle. But once in a while, I need to sit back and analyze what's really important to me. And if I can accept myself for who I am and what I do, then haven't I accomplished my life's goal? I'd like to think so.

And so, for the first time in my life, I'm going to free myself from blame, and truly forgive for anything I have ever done that was "wrong."

I'm going to free myself from self-judgement and accept who I am, not who I was or who I should be.

For the first time in my life, I am going to be completely and totally free. 

Mona