State Function

I know school is important because I am able to relate it back to my life in almost every way.
Transitive property, psychoanalysis, the awakening and repressed desire, enthalpy, and now...
State Functions.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a state function.
For those of you not in chemistry, let me explain what that means.

A state function is derived from the idea that the means is irrelevant to the products of a state change reaction. Using water as an example, when ice is heated it will always end up as water, and then gas, with the same amount of energy used. It doesn't matter if you heat it in 4 steps or 6 steps or 1 step. The process will not affect the outcome.

Applying this to myself... no matter what I do, I always end up confused. It's actually kind of ridiculous! Don't get me wrong, I had a really good time at homecoming because I was with all my friends and had a chill date (who my mom liked). The band was great, dinner was fun too even though I didn't get to talk to D or C or B much because they were on the opposite end of the table. The segregated Asians made my night!

But back to confusion... everyone kept asking me if I like Cal. And to be honest, it's a pretty good question to ask. Hell if I was any of them I would be all up in my grill about what's going on there. Problem is, I have no fucking idea. I am as far from knowing as I will ever be.
I don't know why I grinded on him.
I don't know why I cuddled with him.
I'm not sure why he likes me (?)
Nonetheless, he does, and I would be the most terrible person ever if I kept leading him on until I figure it out. But if I outright tell him I don't know, that would be horrible too. And he was so sweet to me all night and went everywhere with me if I asked him too and I feel so bad because I don't think I feel that way about him.

Trust me, I'm not even being shallow anymore. I mean, seriously. Ben? Chris? George? Yeah, it's not his face at this point. It's just who he is. I want to like him because I know he'd be really great, but I just can't bring myself too. I just can't. Which is so sad and I feel horrible and like I'm using him or whatever, but I can't change if I'm attracted to someone or not.

Ugh. Why. Why can I not just. Ugh.

Speaking of which, I'm not feeling too terrible about being single? I mean I still don't like it, and I realize that now that D has Nathan I will actually be the only single person in the group (upsetting I guess), but I'm not bent up over it. I don't know why, maybe it's because I have so much on my plate already to juggle and the more I think about it, I don't have time for a relationship. Or do I? UGH CONFUSION!

Although, I doubt B and Z will be together for too much longer after what happened last night. The 11's are pissed and I don't blame them. They trust B so much, and she really abused it. I pity her though, rebellion is what being a teen is all about.

I just want FWB with a guy that I'm physically attracted too. Nathan Jue anyone? He recently informed me that he thinks I'm like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler combined, so that's a good thing. I'd literally just get on that and ditch. Hit it and quit it. Does that make me a slut? Mabes. Will it actually happen? Highly doubt it. Nathan is wayyy out of my league, but still a cool guy! Legit though... I should try this and see what happens. Anyone wanna help?

Anyway, I just love my friends. I really love them. I'm glad we're all done and over with that taboo stage where sex was something that whores and sluts did. I want new experiences, and maybe this is the year for them. It's amazing the things you'll do when you're stressed and horny! Yay!

Still worried about B (and Z).
Worried about X and H.
Worried about myself.
Worried about all my friends and I just hope we're all careful and rational and happy.


Mona