Bohemian Rhapsody

Ever since that song played during the 80's dance, I've been listening to it A LOT on Spotify. With the privacy settings, so people don't think I'm weird if they pay attention to what I'm listening to.
I also realized that, thankfully, the number of people that I thought were reading this blog stopped reading it, probably due to boredom with my life or because they found out that getting to know me this well is too much for them. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel as though I only directly write this for 2 or 3 people, who know who they are, which is how I want it to be.

But back to the Bohemian Rhapsody!
I've heard this song an endless amount of times. Its in my "eat my shorts" playlist. I sing along every time I've ever heard it.
And all of a sudden, it started playing during a school dance, and I couldn't get over it. This SONG. What happened to music since it came out? It reigned the charts when it was released, and I can't help but think that were it to come out in modern times, it wouldn't be as popular. Sad, isn't it?

I guess it's also because of all the events that transpired at the dance. It was odd. Don't get me wrong, I still had a fantastic time, incredible actually. It was such an awesome time, and I love hanging out with D and H and B. Since Zach was actually there, B didn't talk about him at all, which was a wonderful change from having to hear about him all the time. (It feels like ALL OF US are dating him. Ugh.)

When it came down to it though, some particularly weird things happened. Looking back, it doesn't seem quite as out of place as it did in the moment. However, I'm going to tap into those momentary emotions so that everyone can get a taste of what was going on in my head.

1. Dancing with friends. Chillin. Trying not to succumb to peer pressure and not show my midriff but eventually giving in and showing my midriff. The usual. 
2. Watching H dance and wishing I had sex appeal like that. Trying. Failing. The usual.
3. Singing along with everything that plays. Talking to people, realizing we can't hear each other, yelling, and then giggling. The usual.
4. Forming a circle and flipping around in it, feeling comfortable. Having ex-boyfriend and gang crash said circle to form the Big-ass circle. NOT AT ALL THE USUAL SO DAMN FAR FROM THE USUAL. 
5. Thinking: WHAT IS HE DOING. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. Are we friends? Is he trying to tell me something? Whose idea was this? Is it for me or for someone else? How am I supposed to react? Nonchalance? Yeah YEAH. Nonchalance.
6. Ex-boyfriend and gang dancing like awkward fucks and making me feel simultaneously embarrassed and weird and violated (?) Nonchalance wearing off. Hysteria kicks back in. 
7. Approach another known male in the group. Said male begins to explain something to me, BOMBED by another female trying to mark her territory. Plan fails, known male drifts away, leaving me answerless.
8. Repeat last two incidents another 5 times throughout the evening, drop in a few drinks at the fountain and the departure of other friends.
9. Leaving us at me, D, and R and Bohemian Rhapsody. Voluntarily join awkward-fucks circle to avoid being lonely during a song about feeling lonely. Feeling extremely useless and utterly alone. More marking of territory. Build up of frustration reaching tipping point. 
10. Begin to tease known male to tick off territorial female. Lest we forget ex-boyfriend debacle has led to an upshot of chemicals in the brain making me temporarily crazy. Territorial female jumps to odd conclusions from the evening's events. Makes me giggle at stupidity.
11. Gets water with D and R. Good end to an interesting evening. 

I should have blogged about this last night but I didn't, and I'm not sure why. I guess I wanted to see how things would change in my head overnight, but I basically feel the same sense of strangeness about the whole situation. 

Today was so great though. Bohemian Rhapsody kept playing in my head, and it was like the soundtrack of my life going on. The only part of the day that I felt like myself was when I was with C and D in the car, talking about all those things that we talk about. It was exhilarating. I felt like a teenager again, which I sometimes feel like. On occasion. Somehow, just being with the both of them made my day from eh to YEAH.

I felt like an outsider the rest of the day. I felt like I didn't belong, or that something was wrong with me. Even though I know all my friends really well and I'm part of the group, sometimes I feel like I'm not. Everyone else is so in sync and I guess... I just don't know. Que the Boho Rhap. 

I opened up to C about Ben. I had to. I had to get it off my chest. Because I've been feeling like I'm not good enough for too long for no one to know. Someone should understand how I feel, and that it's a permanent feeling. I can't get over the fact that someone can know everything, every SINGLE FUCKING THING ABOUT ME, and tell me that they don't feel anything for me. Am I that horrible? Am I ugly? Is there something wrong with me? I have to know! No more sugar coating these things! Someone needs to honestly come smack me in the face and tell the truth, let me face the goddamn music.

I ended up talking to the Saint at the end of the day to ask him something for a friend, to which he responded very oddly and inappropriately which set me off a lot. I enjoy our conversations generally, although I wish he would talk more about himself. I'd like to get to know him.

Tomorrow I have to write my NHS application, finish my chem homework, finish reading for apush, catch up with the precalc stuff, read for psych, and do something stupid for ap lang. Not to mention try to build up my self esteem which keeps getting lower and lower everyday. Everyday. I feel worse about myself. And nothing is making it better. Someone help me out of this figurative pit, please? 

Mona