Diving back in

So I'm actually a bad kid feeling bad things.
I'm becoming such a terrible student that I'm actually acing tests and skipping class more than the days than in a week. Yikes.
One might say, Shob, such is life, roll with the punches, cherish what ya got... but it's hard!
I feel really really crappy because I keep not going to class.
So I made a pact with myself: I'm going to go to every class every day next week. Gym too. All of it. I will be there for every lecture, every test, every bit of notes/homework/general bullshit that school can throw at me, and I will love it godammit because I'M A DAMN GOOD PERSON.

Moving on to bigger things though...ex-boyfriends. Yikes.
I think it's actually better when you're not friends with them because then you forget about them and they stop occupying space in your mind. However, things have changed with Ch.
He has reentered my life, and yet at the same time has not! I get the feeling he wants nothing to do with me, and yet simultaneously the feeling that he wants everything to do with me. How can that be?

Perhaps I'm the one getting mixed signals here, but it's really toying with my emotions. I wouldn't say I'm fragile right now, on the contrary I feel quite strong lately. But that's kind of the issue. I'm afraid that without some kind of vulnerability and fear of getting hurt, I might go for some kind of hook up with him. I don't think that's a bad thing, but you never know! I should technically not get involved and look for better things, but where are these better things, like seriously, someone point them in my direction cuz clearly they haven't found me.
Ch has reminded me over the past week why I liked him in the first place: he's intelligent, funny, and I can effortlessly keep a conversation with him. Plus, I generally like his persona; he's actually kind of great. And I thought that meant we were allowed to be friends since clearly those are the qualities of all great friends.

But it seems like he doesn't want to...at least publicly? Or by public I mean school...? I went to his party and that was a ball, and he's coming to Friendsgiving, but no eye contact or conversation is made in first period. Am I getting bent out of shape for nothing?

Probably.

But that doesn't make it any less frustrating or real. I just wish I could talk to him and trust that it would be confidential. Although I'll admit, one of the reasons we lasted so long is because I trusted him more than most people.

This is sort of an airing of grievances, I guess. I want to ask him what he thinks of FWB. No one judge me, okay? I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself... if it goes through.

If I ask him and he rejects me though...I might die of pain and misery and loneliness.
And that's what scares me.

Mona