Yeah, I have a craving to be in college sipping on whatever the fuck people throw my way. I mean I know I'm ready for it. I don't even NEED the rest of high school. My GPA is solid enough, right? I think.
I don't even know.
But Freids/Simons said something today that made me happy (because she got in): "You don't need honors classes to get into Harvard."
Well I mean she did it. She got in.
So if she says that, then hell I believe it, not that I want to get into Harvard or anything.
I just sort of realized that no matter where I go to college, I'm going to make the best of it and I'll have a good time and I'll major in something that I love and I'll learn a lot....so I shouldn't worry!
If I get a B in pre-calc or in U.S history or in English when I'm 16 years old, how could that POSSIBLY define who I am? And I don't even know who I am!
So I just have to let go and love what's happening in the moment and get over myself.
For example, I love psych. Such a great class. And I love Mr. Maxstadt because he seems to be the only one who understands that people work really hard and that matters!
When we started watching A Beautiful Mind today, and John Nash starts going a little crazy, Max just pauses the DVD and looks at the class and says, "Never put yourself on a pedestal. Never set the bar that high. Because when you fall, it's only going to be that much worse."
And boy is he right.
I expected a B in APUSH, and now I'm excited for an A.
I expected an A in AP Lang, and now I'm almost going to cry because I might get a B.
I look at people like the Saint and Chris and Kevin S and I wonder how they do it all... and then I think that I could really ask myself the same question. I'm not socially inept. I have friends, and I deal with them. And I deal with other things that they wouldn't have to dream of dealing with. Plus, I don't care about the same things they do, and I could whoops their asses in anything art related.
So what if I'm not the most talented? I'm not going to be the best at anything I do, but I will always be the only one doing what I do.
Perhaps being unique is better than being the best.
Perhaps striving to be the best is overrated.
Why even am I trying to get into the best colleges? Who am I doing all that for?
Me?
Do I care what college other people go to?
Then why do I set that kind of bar for myself?
No.
It has to stop. Working hard and having motivation is different than working myself to death. That's not even worth it anymore.
In all reality, I think I'd be content living in a small apartment, reading some books, sipping on some gin.
I mean, who even needs the juice?
Mona
P.S. Actually a large part of this realization stemmed from the fact that I have a lot of the same symptoms as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind just before he is diagnosed with schizophrenia and that scares the shit out of me. Might as well grab control while I can.
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