In the midst of all pre-school hustle-bustle, I realized that I had documentation of how I felt at the start of the last semester, so I went back and read some old blogposts from August. What I read made me realize something saddening and simultaneously inspiring: somehow I've become a worse writer.
I guess a couple of months of regurgitation had helped to settle in the frightening habits. I didn't start this blog to delineate the course of my life to you all because all you ever had to do was ask me about that!
No.
This blog was supposed to be about so much more; it's supposed to be a record of my thoughts. While there is a blaring difference to begin with, it's the subtleties that highlight the purpose. I want you all to know what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking it but not necessarily who I'm thinking about or when those feelings arose. Don't you already know most of that anyway? I see all of you each and every day, and I don't want this blog to be a mindless repetition of what you already know. There has to be something more, some kind of substance and energy that you (and I) may have overlooked.
With that said, today is a new day. A new day to express some thoughts that have been simmering inside.
When you have as many friends in a group as mine does, it becomes difficult, and often pointless, to spend time with everyone. Therefore, it's inevitable that sometimes we lose friends here and there, people trek off on their own path, and relationships begin anew. I might come back again in a month when we all meet underground on our favorite red couch only to realize that everyone has changed! So suddenly, it seems, because we all met up just yesterday doing such and such...but time has forced separation and brought out different qualities in us both.
These feelings become more and more intense each time.
I find myself out of the loop, off the wagon.
Whoops, when did I fall off? I didn't even notice, I was so busy looking at the sky.
I thought I didn't care, but I do. I like to know what's happening with the ones I love, and I panic sometimes when everyone seems to know something before me. No one wants to be the last one to know something.
Perhaps that's why I keep pressing to stay in contact with everybody, but texting just doesn't do it for me. I may be wasting gas traveling around from house to house, but at least I'm aware of what's going on these days. And I think it might just be me feeling this way! Everyone else doesn't need to make an effort to keep the steady stream of information, and to be honest it's exhausting. Almost, almost, not worth it.
That old pal, that confidant, has stepped back into the picture. Remember? How they had promised to make a me priority? It seems that somewhere along the way, they got distracted, and forgot about me.
I waited with a patience I didn't even know I had.
With a resurgence of faith and trust that I didn't want to have.
And it drives me up a wall because they're probably toying with me.
They probably don't actually care.
It's thoroughly possible that one look and my nose piercing threw them off today.
Hey sidenote I really miss Nathan Limequist (to prevent google search frauds!).
Hey sidebar Allison Holyattz is my lab partner and I can't keep an actual fucking conversation with her and she's great but I just fucking can't.
Ah fuck. Why does it even matter guys? We'll all be gone in a year. In 10 years this won't matter!
But it matters now. And that's the worst isn't it? They always tell you to live in the present, but I don't think they really thought about what that entails. Because the present can honestly fuck with you sometimes, and it's much more satisfying to think of the future.
Mona
P.S. I'm not even sure if this blogpost made any sense but I was reading back to An immeasurable worth, and realized that I could give you all so much more than I have been.
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