Hope or mope?

I've come to the haunting realization that I now spend every single waking moment thinking about homecoming. It's terrifying. I feel like every soul in the school knows I'm desperate by now.

AND YET NO ONE IS ASKING ME. WTF.

I give up on Birdman. It's too hard. I can't handle it. I'm a girl who doesn't make the first move, and with him, I have to make all the moves! And then there's the girl with the damn droopy eye that he keeps talking to, and I might as well just fuck it all because there's now chance there.

Other people bring up my hopes, and then crushing them. Okay not crushing, more like subtly murdering? Okay more like rejecting.

I don't take rejection well. Ever. And in my mind, 5 people have already rejected me in the past month. I'm reaching a breaking point where I just want to scream and die and go away and never come back. I don't even care but I do. I just hate the way I've been feeling lately, and I'm hoping that it isn't showing (it can't be, or I'd look like literal shit.)

I feel like shit.
Other people are making me feel like shit.
High school is making me feel like shit.
Life is flushing me down a damn toilet and all I can do is read and cry.
Read and cry, that's all I do anymore.

Isn't that sad?
It is sad.

Sometimes I wish I was deaf so I could have learned sign language.
Sometimes I wish I was blind so I could have learned braille.
Lately, I wish I was deaf and blind so I could unhear and unsee things. Ignorance is bliss, no?

I hate moping, I really do. But I have no other way of letting people know how I feel because I can't tell them in person (at least, not entirely), and I sure as hell can't just scream it to the world. This blog is my only outlet, and I apologize for harassing you all with these sad, sorry posts for so long. It'll end soon, when homecoming rolls by and I haven't gone.
Yeah, it'll all end soon.

I hope.


Mona