Plus, it's ridiculous how much homework I have to do. I usually never bring up how stressed out school is making me or how difficult classes are or how much effort I have to squeeze into each day, because I know that the rest of my friends are just as intelligent as me and I don't want to rub it into anyone's face that I'm taking more weighted classes than them; it really doesn't mean anything. However, I've been loosening up on that with some people since I've been getting vibes that they don't mind, *cough* C and D and M *cough*. Seriously though, if it bothers you guys when I bring up how difficult class is getting or you just find my complaints annoying, let me know and I'll back off. It's really not that big of a deal, I can usually internalize those feelings pretty well. Or vent about them on here.
Which brings me to...
HOLY BANANAS I HAVE SO MUCH DAMN HOMEWORK.
And I have a B in psych. Like what? I have a freaking 103 in AP Chem, and an 88 in psych. I'm definitely talking to Maxstadt come Monday. Because this just ain't cool.
I also have to get Lisa to sign off on my hours and my rec form (which she partially wrote, so it's all good). NHS is sort of coming together and I feel more confident about my application, so that's really wonderful. Even if I don't make it this year, I can honestly say that I gave it my all and there's really nothing more I could do right now with my abilities and my life.
Update on the increasing-my-self-esteem goal:
I feel wobbly on this. At certain times I feel very qualified and interesting and confident. And others I feel so incredibly inadequate that it's appalling. Like whenever X tells me I'm off with the band. Excuse me, X, do you have my part memorized? You have NO IDEA what I'm playing, nor could you play it, nor could you out-juggle D. Just shut the fuck up and wave your arms around.
I'm also trying really hard not to base my confidence level around whether or not I'm single, but it's really hard. Knowing someone out there cares about you and loves every quirk and flaw that you have is a such an amazing sense of security. I don't want to base my identity off of that though. No offense to her...but I don't want to end up like H. Having a constant need to be in a relationship and have a boy's attention is probably miserable and very dissatisfying. I'd also like to know exactly how many people I've dated when someone asks me without having to count them all out (at least while I'm still in high school!).
So in general, I seem more confident on the exterior and I hope that starts internalizing very soon because I'd like to feel the way I act. Yesterday when I told off that really obnoxious kid from Glenbard South, I felt really good. And everybody was really proud of me, at least momentarily. And that felt really good too. I like feeling accepted, but most of the time I don't! I'm not sure why. So hopefully if I keep up this confident attitude, I'll start to feel everyone's acceptance. Yay :)
Mona
P.S. It's been a while since I've ended on a happy note!
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