Punctuation Day

Those who truly know me will understand what this title is referring to. I usually don't feel the effects too badly mentally, and get pummeled physically, but this time it's opposite!

So I'm out of it. I'm blowing up over the smallest things and getting stressed about stupid stuff like NHS and band and AP classes and boosting my self esteem....

OH WAIT.

I'm legitimately inches away from that fine line between a good threat and actual violence right now. I want to throw things at people who walk in front of me in the hallway. I want to stop and pull down the pants of others. I walk around the school angry and pissed at everyone I see and it makes me feel like a bitch. But they all don't get it.

I never used to think this, but then I did my psych study. The average number on the stress scale was 3 out of 10. 10 was the worst. What the actual fuck.

How is everyone not freaking out? It's not about college or future or shit like that. It's about the goddamn PRESENT. I just feel like if I work hard, I'm allowed to have it all. Hell, I deserve to have it all. I'm worth it. I know I am.

But that's the problem; why isn't my life reflecting it? Why doesn't anything else seem to think I'm worth it? Not my friends, not in that friendly way. I mean things like Money.

Doesn't money think I'm worth it? I'm frugal. I spend where necessary. I save up. I work much harder than what I get. So why aren't I getting what I deserve?

Knowledge. I read books. I understand things that people couldn't wrap their brains around. I think in ways that people don't dare wander into. So why is it that I'm still not smart enough? I can't absorb every word I read, I'm sorry! What I can do is give you the most honest and genuine opinion that you will ever receive and even change your perception. But that's not enough. I'm still not worth it unless I remember exactly what the primary export of Colonial South Carolina was. Oops. My bad.

The worst offender: Time.
Oh man, Time.
You motherfucking bastard.
Playing tricks on my mind, trying to wrestle every ounce of courage out of my soul until I've become the antithesis of every lion's roar.
You never aim to placate me, do you?
A favorite sport of yours, to watch me squirm under pressure.
Never enough, always too much. That's just how you work.

And poor little me is sitting here watching the clock.
Tick tock.
The mirror is cracked. I'm the worst alternative. It doesn't matter the effort I put in, how intelligent I am, because even if EVERYTHING ELSE lines up, you'll be my downfall.
Let it be said that Timing is everything. 

Oh, and a quick mention of how my love life is going since it plagues me on a daily basis anyway.
It isn't going.
H will probably have broken up with X, dated someone else, and broken up with them too, before someone looks my way. JOY!


Mona

P.S. I swear, half of this is punctuation talking. But the substance is essentially true.